Fear

Fear is my greatest enemy.  I was looking at a photo of myself when I was 26 and I was absolutely beautiful and had no idea.  Back then, I was going through some terrible things.  My daughter had just disclosed that her father had been abusing her (she was about to turn 5), I was pregnant with my son and basically homeless, hiding out from my abusive ex and starting a new relationship with my son's father.  I had no time to work on myself or build myself up.  Fear held me prisoner for many years.

One day when I was 32, I realized all the years of therapy for my daughter were finally paying off and she was now old enough to watch her brother so I could work.  I had some help with babysitters and after school care for him, but after a while it was the two of them for a couple of hours after school or vacations and holidays.

Anyway, I suffered and had to be on meds for anxiety and depression when I first started going to work.  For several years I had been home with a hyperactive/PTSD daughter and small child.  We only ever went to the grocery store or Wal Mart, and the entire time I had to keep one eye on my daughter and immediately remove her from the store if she started to get out of control.  Half the time we got to take our groceries home.

I saw a book cover back then which said "Fear Eveything but DO It Anyway".  That's it, I never read the book.  That title gave me the kick in the pants I needed to get going and have a real life.

Well, all I've done is work and raise kids.  Now I'm getting to just about "middle age" and there is certainly a lot of fear around what comes next.   I've been without a partner for just long enough to need space and time alone, but still imagine how nice it would be to have someone to come home to at night.  I imagine it would be comforting even if he were snoring in a recliner.  However, that does not seem to be my destiny.

A Shaman I saw a year or so ago told me my destiny was to walk the earth alone, doing more important things than taking care of a man or being in a relationship.  Well, I guess I'm doing some important things by reaching out to others and spending time with people who seem to benefit from it.  But now, my son with Aspergers may be moving out within the next year.  It seems that he may have advanced all that he can while living with me and may make more progress in assisted living.  Part of me marvels at what that newfound freedom might bring, while part of me is terrified of being completely alone.

It is what it is, I guess, and I'll deal with it when the time comes.  I can imagine filling up my time with after-work activities and Medieval events on the weekend.  But what will I do without the nightly routine of coming in the door, throwing down my things, and exchanging "Hello" and "Hello" with my son?

Fear

This marker asks you to identify how fear may be affecting you on this part of your journey. Are you afraid of failure? Perhaps you’re worried about success and the changes it brings, as it pushes you to be all you can be. Are you afraid of losing something you don’t yet have? Is your fear valid? Have you seen actual evidence of adversity and trouble, or are you seeingfalse evidence, which gives theappearance of being real?

Fear is a crippling companion, and indicates a loss of faith and connection to the Divine. Remember that the God/Goddess doesn’t give you anything that you can’t handle.

Fear comes from the part of you that identifies with separation, division, and form. To release yourself from it, remember that you are first and foremost an infinite soul. Look through those eyes, and the fear will subside as you remember to trust the way of the Mystery.

Don’t struggle with fear. Look inside; see the part of you that is afraid; and send love, light, and compassion inward. This would be a very good time to write an inventory of your fears and their possible solutions. Once on paper, you may find that you’ve been afraid of fear itself. This is an auspicious omen of transformation.